Smoke and mirrors...

Not sure I posted this, scrolled back and didn't see it, so here we are.. enjoy.
@~~~~~
Suffering and smoking. Why can't I just quit you.... How to find silence in this pain? My thoughts are everywhere in the silence of nowhere.. doubts continue to creep, am I strong enough? Do I have the will power? Can I get up? I lay here moments longer smoking another.. the woman I know isn't the woman I love, what changed? Where do I go back to? No! I can't go back, I must get up... But it hurts.. I don't know how to stand, I've knelt before you for too long.. the only thing I know are your shadows... I was too ashamed to even look up... I'm looking now, and you are gone.. I'm all alone, and in pain.. let me die here, I'm not worthy.. another suffering in the boredom of this smoke, sweat and tears pouring... I can't do this.. but I know I must.. this body has potential.. I don't feel it right now, but I know it's hiding somewhere, where is the key? Why am I asking,... Universe, there is none here.. alone in my thoughts and mistakes.. alone with the intentions of others.. to leave me here, isolated from others.. I worshipped my master of smoke and mirrors... And now this smoke holds me down.. what a woman did to my soul? Why does she carry it still, it's not in this hole.. ?? My breath is getting clearer... Still not able to get up.. the weight, it's too much.. but I don't see anything holding me down, what is this? Why am I suffering here alone? When we started this expedition, we were partners, standing side by side, hand in hand.. this pain, my chest,.. I can't understand.. why am I dying? This pain... It isn't.. as I wake, I'm alone.. around me,.. is different, yet the same.. the pain persists... As I smoke alone.. why is this suffering? I am better than this, I can do it. My will is strong. I will do right by me. Smoke? I'm done. I can do better than you with this anger.